


i wanna fall inside your ghost

by thisapathy



Series: liar, you'll pay for your sins [4]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 06:49:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7424302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisapathy/pseuds/thisapathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"No," Rick murmurs, "nonono, stay with me, Carl. Carl!"</p><p>But Carl doesn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i wanna fall inside your ghost

**Author's Note:**

> because pulserifle requested a small drabble 3 months ago. !!! i'm sorry it took so long. i hope this satisfies your need to know what happened. :)

Tires squeal and the car spins before coming to a halt; Rick knows that much. He doesn't know where it came from or what happened. He throws the car into park, looking over at Carl. Carl who isn't moving and Carl whose head is flopped to the side. He feels for a pulse and he's got one. It's faint but it's there.

"Carl. Carl! Jesus—" Rick scrambles around for his phone and dials 911. He says—screams—that they need an ambulance. Moments later they're on the way.

And then Carl's eyes flutter open just a little and he tries turns his head. At first Rick thinks he's imagining things but then—

"Dad?"

"Don't move," Rick says, unbuckling his seat belt. He leans over the console and puts a hand to Carl's cheek. At first Rick thinks maybe Carl is leaning into his touch but then Carl's eyes close again. "No," Rick murmurs, "nonono, stay with me, Carl. Carl!"

But Carl doesn't.

+

He arrives DOA to the hospital. Rick doesn't understand how or why. A nurse asks about organ donation and Rick declines. It's selfish; he knows that. But he can't stand the thought of Carl—his Carl, his _everything_ —laid on an operating table being harvested for his organs. He wants his Carl to be buried whole.

Rick is allowed in to see him after a while. The room is quiet aside from the hum of the fluorescent lighting above them. Carl is covered up to his chest in a white sheet. When Rick searches for his hand to hold it, Carl's skin is just as soft as ever. But his grip is limp and cold and dead. He leans down and kisses his equally cold and dead forehead. It's then that his tears really start falling.

+

Carl has life insurance so planning a funeral isn't much of a burden. Rick has help from Shane and his current girlfriend of the month. The guys from the station bring him food so he doesn't have to worry about cooking.

He goes to get Carl a suit to wear. A gray suit appropriate enough to get married in, if they had gotten to that point. If it were legal for them to marry. Rick picks out a similar black suit for himself.

+

The visitation is held in a small funeral home where the memorial service will be. Rick has seen just about everyone there is to see; his brother even came down for the night. It's almost nine o'clock, that's when visitation is over, so Rick doesn't expect anyone else to walk in after 8:56 but they do.

Ron, dressed in black slacks and a white button down shirt, comes into the room. He looks much nicer than he did the day Carl died.

Rick stands to his feet instantly. He emits a sound that can't be described as anything other than a territorial growl. "Get out." Ron just looks at Rick before slowly walking to the guest book to sign his name. How dare Ron—who preyed on Carl and sexually abused him—show his face anywhere near here. Rick takes a few steps forward. "Get. Out."

Ron turns to him calmly. His eyes are red as if he's been crying.

"Get out!"

"Rick, I _loved_ him. Do you think I'd be here if what he said were true?"

Rick thinks long and hard. Ron's words leave him stunned, more than Ron probably expects for them to. He's stunned enough that Ron can walk over to view Carl's body in the casket and Rick doesn't say a thing about it. Carl, his Carl, lying about something so serious and awful. He couldn't, Rick decides. He doesn't think about it anymore. He can't afford to.

Just a few seconds before the clock strikes 9, Ron is ready to leave. He turns away from the casket and looks at Rick. Now they're both crying. "I'm sorry for your loss," Ron whispers.

Rick nods, eyes still wet with tears. He watches Ron walk out and wonders what any of this actually means.

+

Rick can't sleep. Mostly because Carl isn't right beside him but also because Ron's words keep echoing in his head. What do they mean? _What do they mean?_ No amount of alcohol can dull the pain. Nothing he does changes what happened. Trying doesn't even seem worth it anymore.

+

A few weeks later when Shane stops by to bring Rick dinner he's shocked at the state of the house. He insists that Rick clean it up, for whatever reason. So Shane comes over Sunday afternoon and he's working on the front and back yards. Rick's responsibility is the inside.

Rick doesn't get very far. He can't bring himself to toss Carl's toothbrush. He can't bring himself to wipe off the bathroom counter because stray strands of Carl's hair lie in abstract designs against the white imitation marble counter top where they fell from his comb. He can't wash the pile of dirty clothes in the corner or their comforter or Carl's pillowcase. He won't, he _can't_.

+

Three months later, things haven't improved. Shane tries to get Rick to get into counseling but that only makes Rick retract more. He skips days of work at a time. He keeps his pistol on the nightstand, thinking maybe one night when he misses Carl enough he'll get the courage to roll over, put it against his temple and squeeze the trigger. But for now, he'll curl up with his face pressed to Carl's pillow and try to will it all away.

**Author's Note:**

> ron fucking anderson deserved to be treated better ~~by me as a writer~~ by the entire TWD fanbase, goodbye :)


End file.
